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And the Best Picture Goes to … Trump
Over the weekend, a photo of a windswept President Trump revealed a high-contrast tan line ringing his face, which he later claimed was doctored after it spread across social media. Seth Meyers joked that while “Parasite” won the Oscar for best picture, the picture of Trump was “some last-second competition.”
“The photo shows a clear border between Trump’s bronzer and the stolen cadaver skin that enshrouds the remainder of his head. He looks like Hannibal Lecter when he stole a different person’s face to escape from prison.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“He looks like he just got hit in the face with a pumpkin pie. He looks like he stuck his head in a volcano. He looks like a paint sample card from Home Depot.” — JIMMY FALLON
“As you see from this very real photo of Trump arriving at the White House on Friday with the wind exposing his hairline, he looks just like he went to the beach wearing a dog cone. Trump only cares about the top 1 percent, even when he’s applying sunscreen to his face. Looks like he stuck his face in an empty bag of Doritos and sucked up the dust.” — SETH MEYERS
“Now, for some reason Trump was upset about this photo, so he tweeted, ‘More fake news. This was photoshopped, obviously, but the wind was strong and the hair looks good? Anything to demean!’ You know things are bad when Trump is thanking the wind. His hair and the wind do not have great history together. And what does that mean? And ‘hair looks good?’ That’s the definition of narcissism. [Imitating Trump] My face looks like I got a chemical peel at Jiffy Lube, but hair looks good.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT
The Punchiest Punchlines (Oscars Edition)
“Yeah, everyone is talking about the Academy Awards and the big story is that the South Korean thriller ‘Parasite’ won four Oscars including best picture. Yeah, quite an amazing moment for South Korea. They have ‘Parasite,’ they have BTS. Meanwhile North Korea is this close to dial-up internet.” — JIMMY FALLON
“That’s right, ‘Parasite’ is the first non-English speaking film to win best picture, though some Arnold Schwarzenegger movies come close.” — JIMMY FALLON
“‘Parasite’ — if you haven’t seen it you should, it’s very good — is a South Korean film that tells the story of a family who cons their way into a house they have no business living in and things go very wrong from there. The American version of it is called ‘The Trumps.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“Anyway, move over large glass contraption on Seth Rogen’s nightstand. Hollywood has a new favorite Bong.” — JIMMY KIMMEL, referring to Bong Joon Ho, director of “Parasite”
“‘1917’ was predicted to win best picture last night, and it didn’t. Yeah. Yeah, the producer was furious and said, we fought World War I for nothing.” — CONAN O’BRIEN
“Last night’s ceremony was amazing, but it was hard not to notice the nominees were about as diverse as a Mike Pence family reunion.” — TREVOR NOAH
“Last night, the movie ‘American Factory’ won best documentary. It was actually produced by Barack and Michelle Obama, and now some other political candidates have announced that they’re making their own movies to compete in next year’s Oscars. Yeah, for example, Mike Bloomberg is making one called ‘I Could Buy Ford and Ferrari.’ Joe Biden — Joe Biden is making one called ‘The Irishman I Fought at a Pool Hall in 1956.’ Bernie Sanders is making one called, ‘Hair-asite.’ And finally, President Trump is making one called ‘Third Marriage Story.’” — JIMMY FALLON
The Bits Worth Watching
“Jimmy Kimmel Live” sent Guillermo to cover the Oscars’ red carpet, where he had stars like Regina King, Greta Gerwig and Ray Romano read his jokes aloud.
What We’re Excited About on Tuesday Night
Stacey Abrams, a rising face in the Democratic Party, will sit down with Seth Meyers on Tuesday night.